Possibly the Last

I know I promised myself that I wouldn't post here anymore, but today has been an awful day and I feel the need to rant, and this is still the safest place to do it. Still, it is hardly safe anymore, and my thoughts and words are being suppressed as I type, I really don't have any other option. I wonder about this Blog, what it accomplished, what it did for me and the community in general. The answer is rather simple; nothing.

It did nothing but serve as a vent for the tumultuous and terrifyingly taut thoughts that transpired amongst the tangled and twisted turns and tubes that is my head. And this blog was not ever about acquiring readers (a point in which it succeeded quite well in), nor about being read, it was simply about writing to the wind. Not many people know the abandon that comes from writing your processes out carefully and then throwing them to the wind, being careful only to not sign the paper...

But alas, me and my mouth. Would have been wonderful to have kept it shut, but, no I couldn't. I knew I would regret it and so I do. And so, the pages are still unsigned, but there lurks a creature who knows, and who can read these and think of me, and that thought is terrifying in totality. Too bad, I guess. I had a rather nice run.

And so, unable to speak what I really want, I am forced to say goodbye. It's funny, but I don't remember having used the backspace key this much for a blog post EVER. Which is just confirmation that I am doing the right thing. Perhaps I will find a new haven to haunt. Or not. Either rate, this isn't the way I would have liked this to turn out, but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. Someone people would call it the agony of life. Others would call it cruel fate. Some would call it justice.

I just call it life; it's here, you might as well enjoy it.

Enough Said.....finally.

Just Random

I really wonder at what time my brain starts to function. It seems that after a day of trying to numb it with games and senseless sitcoms it spurs itself to action and propels me to work. Imagine that! I feel extremely insulted, as I did my utmost best to attempt to put it into a slothful and sleepy state, and yet my own brain is plotting against me, forcing creativity and work out of me.

Oh, the perfidious rotter, my own subconscious at war with it's host. The first thought that springs to my mind is that I my dear brain is extremely ungrateful. After all, am I not a most gracious host? Do I not require almost nothing from it, and summon it to work sporadically, with very generous lunch breaks? Do I not entertain it enough?

Yet, why this rebellious upset. What force of nature is compelling me to attempt to accomplish something at this very unholy hour. I do feel utterly hurt and betrayed by my dear brain. I suppose I am gifted to not posses a very fine specimen, otherwise I would feel that I am doing society a great injustice by not accomplishing anything. But, as the case may be, I am free of that troublesome burden of shaking the world. As such, I am fit to do as I please, but, sigh, I am being conspired against.

They say no man is safe in his own home. I no longer feel safe in mine own body. Who knows what idle acts it may spur me to attempt. Acts such as cleaning, oh, cleaning, my eternal enemy. Or other such time wasters, such as studying, researching, or, dare I say it.....working. Oh brain, thou art a fickle friend and have never been of much use to me. I half suspect that I could live a wholesome life (by current standards) without your presence. Come to think of it, there are many who have tried such a feat as complete brain-killing, either by drug abuse or willful neglect, while others were born almost completely lacking such a loathsome equipment, which, in their case, makes any attempts at destroying such a pathetic creation completely superfluous.

Need I point out that about 70% of these very singular individuals became pop stars, or was it evident to all? The other 30% went for public office.

Are you brain dead?

Enough Said

Can't Live With 'Em

...and can't live without them. Sad, indeed. I can't seem to make up my mind; I am a mass of contradictions that only make sense if you look at me from the most impossible angles a feat which only the Almighty can achieve. Sometimes I wonder if I have a duel personality, sometimes I think I am going crazy. I often wondered what'd be like to go mad, sometimes I wonder if I am there already.

But, to the topic at hand; women. They are what make the world go round, and at the same time one of them can stop it turning, just like that. She can place one simple look at you and that will be it; there is no more gravity, motion or time, and the rules are broken. Maybe that's why the call it 'falling'. Sadly enough, when you fall, you land hard. You fall broken and bruised, stunned and incapacitated, and suddenly you are in the hands of someone far more powerful than you. Someone who holds a grip over your heart like no one can, someone who can crush it harder than anyone, someone who will...

Maybe I'm lucky that I am so unlucky, where they are concerned. It's not like I am overly shy, extremely ugly (more like just ugly) or even really detestable. Sure, I am all of those things to a degree, but you'd think I had the plague. I've come to the point which very few men will ever reach in their testosterone filled dreams. And that is that there are some things which are simply out of reach. Some dreams will never be fulfilled, while the ones that do will be nothing but hollow accomplishments; a shiny medal in an empty room. At last I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the man that every guy wants to be, in fact I am on the other side of the spectrum, about 3 billion men behind Johnny Depp, standing at the end of the line. I really should put myself on display, for I am a wonder to behold.

Maybe I can disprove evolution, look at me and you will be convinced that the human race is indeed getting less fit, and less likely to procreate. I hope to God there are not more like me out there, otherwise the human race stands a nasty chance. My only wish is that I can deal with the nagging thoughts in my head which tell me that I don't want to die alone...

Ain't That A Kick In the Head?

How lucky can a fellow be, I hate her, and she hates me.

Seriously though, I think I just had one of the strangest most disturbingly rational conversations ever. Allow me to get to the point, there was a girl. It seems that at any part in any story, this line will invariably coming up, serving as the central character, antagonizing the hero till he succumbs to defeat, and holds up a white flag to admit it.

But that is more a ramble than anything, and makes little sense. I just spoke with one of the most foul creatures that have walked the planet, my ex. She stood there in all her demonic glory, with the smile of Satan upon her lips; her eyes nothing more than an endless void. To be perfectly accurate, we had an altercation which was unusual if anything, yet is not worth mentioning. Suffice it to say that it was mostly hurtful and stupid, with a dash of ‘huh’ in the middle.

And yes, these past few months have been very strange. Weird in fact. But today was everything wonderful and brilliant, I went over to her abode and talked to her. It was pleasant and peaceful, awkward yet refreshing. I pride myself in having been able to look into the eyes of the woman I once cared for more than anyone else and say (contrary to what everyone else believed) that I despised her. Not simply hated with furious passion and cholera, one of my most darling friends pointed out that in her opinion such passion is akin to deeper feelings.

And so, I am able to say with confidence that I truly do not give a damn, and am most pleased with the outcome, although a little frustrated at the time which it took to arrive. This woman is decidedly strange, extremely so. It is very difficult to fight with someone who refuses to deal a single blow, and changes the rules of gameplay. Strange, confusing, and wonderfully twisted; such are women...thousands of years later and we are still befuddled, rightly so. If you try to see something from the viewpoint of a woman, give up right then and there; it is not worth the time or effort and you are about as likely to disprove gravity than understand the mind of a woman (this line being strictly for the male Llamas reading this blog).

But, everything works out ok in the end. I really wish such experiences could be avoided all together, but running away from problems does no good; cuz problems are fast runners, and they will catch up with you. I hate facing things head on, but I think I handled this one well, and ended up caring less. If there was ever a rule it is this; the person who cares less, wins. How much do you care?

Enough Said

Still Smiling

You never really know what it is like to smile until you try it while in the thresholds of your greatest heartbreak. Sometimes you gotta wonder what it is that is keeping everything going, when their is nothing to hold it together, and its all you can do to keep from climbing up the curtains and screaming like a possessed maniac. (Lady Gaga instantly springs to mind). I haven't been having the greatest of times myself, in fact I am one more depressed post away from turning into a pop star, or worse, one of the millions of starved, depressed psychos who make such acts as the one aforementioned loved and appreciated.

You can read the minds of thousands by taking a quick glance at their pop acts, the movies, the music, and the tv shows. You see what is hungered after, the movies offering the second life that so many crave, while the music on one hand mirrors the crazy party animal spirit that everyone is trying to imbibe of, and on the other hand reflects the anguished heartbreak of the world. Long gone are the hippy days when people would be lost in Strawberry Fields with Lucy in the Sky, long gone are the days where love was simple; she would love you, and you knew that couldn't be bad.

Now everything is a mix of 'live life like lunacy' while at the same time crying and whining about one of their one night stands who couldn't quite literally give them the time of day. Refuse and waste, such is the production standards which the music of today aspires to, and more often than not failing to reach such a despicably low point. Fed up of it all, fed up of the whiny ludicrous wimps who won't wake up to the fact that life, liberty and love are amongst them. Fed up of those who can't see the beauty in front of them. Fed up that I am now one of these worthless individuals who can't see past their pain for the beauty that it is. I have nothing, and yet I have everything; because he who can't see all he has has nothing.

And I don't know how I can pull myself out of this mess, but I will find a way. I will see the sky again, I will feel it all...soon. Its right there, around the dark bend in the road, I will see the sunlight...and everything will be alright.

A Shining Light...

Its difficult for me to write today. I know my last few posts have been somewhat emo, and I do apologize. This is, well just a bad day, and it has been for 3 years now. I guess a part of me never really got a chance to say goodbye, and I can't simply forget. I lost my hero today, 3 years ago. I lost a friend, today. He was the kindest, strongest, smartest man I ever knew. He was my father, and still is. I know he is up There watching me, but so many times I wish I could be like other teens, and have a father to rebel against, a guy who will always give you the best advice, a role model to always look up to.

Normalcy is a status I aspire to, but I think it is too late; blessedly so. I just hope everything turns out alright, hope that my life can get a gleam of purpose, I hope I can go to college. Hope is important, we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope...we with patience wait for it...(Romans 8 KJV) I came across that today, and I just feel it sums up my life, with patience hoping for things to turn around a little. They have to, and I know they are. And suddenly I am filled with hope, cause something inside me knows that everything is going to be alright...

And I'm smiling, if barely so, its a smile and it counts. I see the cloudy sky and I feel the rain drenching me; but there is a sun shining somewhere and I am going to wait for it, because at the end of every tunnel there is a light; even if its only God calling you home.

Just A Lottery Game?

I have started to realize that my posts are becoming just as infrequent as the How I Met Your Mother episodes, and sadly...just as lousy. I do apologize to all my loyal, faithful and sadly non-existent fans. You see, I have a goal, a place I want to be, something I want to do.

And I am no where I thought I would be, by now. In fact I do believe I am going backwards. Interesting aint it? There are so many questions I have right now, about where I am and what the hell I am doing. So many things I want to do. Like, I want to write a book. Not an e-book, those never sell, and if they are any good they are pirated right away. I want to write an actual book that is printed with technology slightly younger than the Gutenberg. I have even started said book.

But this is the point that really bugs me. I don't know how many people have asked this question, although I am sure they have. There seems to be some kind of fear preventing people from considering this possibility because the ramifications are nasty and crushing. Here it is, without further buildup...

I haven't tried to put this to words before, so do bear with me. You know how you see the successful people, could be in any field...like Steve Tyler, Paul McCartney, Al Pacino, Bill Gates, Obama, or the kid everyone is talking about; Mark Zuckerburg. These guys are huge, everyone knows them.

But what if, there were a hundred Bill Gates, all of whom tried and failed. What if the only difference was just pure luck? Sure, Bill will say that he had determination, know how and a special feeling. The same way the guy at the end of the race will say 'I knew I was going to win'. My point is, we all listen to the winners. We all listen to what they say and believe that if we are determined, ingenious and do not give up on our dreams, then we will become successful. So I guess my question is, was the only difference between these winners and losers simple luck?

Look at the acting industry. There are hundreds of thousands of actors just waiting for their 'big break'. Looking at the music industry, what with the acts going on now, it seems to be more like picking random straws out of a hat and announcing 'you are going to be the next star', and suddenly little Justin Biebers are crawling like maggots everywhere. Talent? Skill? Fate? No, pure and simple luck.

I guess we have that thing that we want to do, and we believe it can be done. But what I don't know is, how many people have tried so hard to write that book, record that song, start that business and failed all because the stars just weren't aligned yet. I am not really a superstitious person, and I don't really believe in 'good' luck. I think chance is a better word for it. I mean, I think everyone on this planet has the desire to be on the top; one of the big investors, the Nobel Laureate, the Oscar winner... And with so many trying, it seems ridiculous to think that anyone could ever achieve this, with the people who do simply being the lottery winners, the ones we all want to be when all we are missing is a few numbers.

But I shall try. Because I am damned curious. It is like when you are playing a hand of poker, and everyone has folded but for you and one other guy. And he will raise and raise, and you will have nothing, but the only thing that keeps calling despite every fiber in your bones screaming out to stop, you will keep calling, out of damned curiosity. I am going to try. I am going to find a way, because I feel that I have a lot to give the world...we all do. And you can't blame the guy who tried, at least I will know that it was not meant to be, I will never have that thought burning in my brain...'what if'.

What if I tried?

Hardly Enough Said

Loneliness, or Solitude?

I just read a post by a very talented author; http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-lonely-being-writer.html in which she asks a question on whether writers get lonely, or separated from their offline social circle. I may be missing the point of her question entirely, but in my opinion, half the reason I became a writer is so that I don't have to show my face to people.

I think I have redefined the term stay-at-home. I hate leaving my house. I hate being in large gatherings. That being said, I absolutely love my friends and occasionally will stir outside in order to see them, as they are important to me. But, over the last year, I think I have understood the concept of living alone. Recently, due to a host of unforeseen circumstances, I have had to live a bit of a nomadic lifestyle; shifting between cities, staying with friends and relatives.

At times I was almost completely alone. As I write this, I am currently separated from all of my good friends and family for various reasons. And yet I don't think I have ever felt as much peace from looking up at the sky and saying 'you are all I've got', yet I was talking to no one. Like I mentioned in the comment I left on dear Rachelle's post; there is nothing more life altering than talking to a wall.

We are afraid of being alone. And sure, I have experienced the crushing loneliness of having no one around. But when there is no one else to carry you; thats when you learn to walk. To quote Axle Rose...'Everybody needs some time, on their own' (November Rain). How can you ever find out who you are unless you are alone? The reason I love being anonymous on this blog is that I can express myself outside of the circle of friends I have.

I love my friends dearly. But I feel that they have put me into something of a mold. I believe this happens to everyone who hangs around a group of people. Within time, these friends start defining your thoughts and actions. As such, this article would be a lot different if I knew that anyone I know would be reading it. Even if it was different; these people would start thinking I've gone a little crazy.

But I love being able to say; this is me. Alienated from my friends and family; I stand on my own, knowing only that this is me, and no one else. And as such, I can write with complete freedom, and utter abandonment. I think, we all need to stop being afraid of being alone, of being lonely, of having no one. Defined by no one and nothing, but what we do, and how we do it.

Enough Said

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

By the time I publish this, about 90 per cent of the human race have already broken their New Years resolution. The other ten percent will take more time, as vows to visit a strange or exotic island, or to wear overalls only twice a month are more complex and take time for people to realize that their new efforts are in vain.

At either rate we are bold and powerful, and everything superhuman, until we wake up. Its rather shocking to realize just how little control one can have over their life. Most people will never admit that they are not totally in control. But no, in reality, we are weak, childish, obsessive; gazing eternally at the shiny apple, which must be good to eat, of course it would be.

Eternally hoping for something better to happen, always wishing for a life that is not theirs, never pausing to wonder if maybe, just maybe...the life you live is perfect for none other than the one cursed with it. And thats the beauty of it....

So, here is to a new year, filled with crazy things, hopes and wishes and promises, waiting to be broken. Here is to a life that is everything you don't want it to be, here is to all who suffer, here is to those who may not see another year turn. Here is to you all...

Enough Said

What the hell?

What is going on right now? I do not know. Have you ever felt like all you could say was just !!! This makes life all the more complex for the single reason that the question will inexorably come up; How on earth do you say '!'. How do you cope with that low feeling where nothing has really gone wrong, but neither has anything gone right; and you have nothing you can say, and no way to say it.

Sometimes the world just looks at you and decides to manifest goodness and grace upon your life, and just when you think it is going to get better, it turns around and slaps you in your face. I have to admit, however, that I wouldn't know what to do with a life that was only awesome and great. Thinking about it, I don't think anyone really has the capacity to deal with pure good; indeed it is the evil in life which gives a challenge; keeps us grounded, gives us focus.

But trying to define the current crap can be difficult. People spend hundreds of dollars to have professionals give them answers straight out of a textbook written by a man who more or less had serious issues with reality. People all walk around, wondering 'who am I' 'why am I', wondering where their life is going, and never having a clue of an answer. But it is all about perception. Imagine a disaster movie; one of those end-of-the world apocalyptic movies that seem to crowd up the box office like so many fleas on a dog, and just as appealing. Imagine yourself with dashing looks and as the hero of the film. Now think of the problems you are having. If you were in one of those save-the-world movies your chief problem would be keeping your hair perfectly styled. Problem No.2 is saving the world.

Now against this backdrop, your current problems do not seem so very big. In fact they seem minuscule, so pathetically small that you will almost laugh. You may even shudder with the thought of accomplishing the almost impossible task of leaping over boulders, dodging bullets, saving the woman you love, all the while keeping your hair looking perfect; and, oh yeah; saving the world.

By the way, I do apologize to my reader (I hesitate to pluralize the last word, in light of my current largest problem; finding more than one out of 7 billion people who are even slightly interested in what I have to say) for my lack of being faithful to the blogosphere, and ignoring the countless requests for an update. These requests were ignored largely due to the fact that they originated primarily from my imagination. At either rate, if you are reading this, you have serious problems and need to get your head examined. Or if you want I can just pull out the text book explanation for you 'You have serious problems with wasting time reading worthless blogs which stem from your childhood and the lack of motherly attention that you received from your father'. Trust me, this sounds very life altering coming from a bald person with a beard. If I were to explain my disaster movie theory to him, he would look at me like I was stupid.

Obviously he cannot remember just how tough it is to keep your hair looking perfect while doing incredible back flips necessary to either saving the world, or making a decent take at the box office. This is probably because he cannot do a back flip, or because he has no hair.

Enough Said

Sith Happens? Part II

The root of all evil? A survey was once conducted by several sociologists where they questioned different Americans and asked them how much money they thought they would need in order to achieve the ‘American Dream’. More or less, each of these people stated figures which were pretty much double of what they were currently earning. Think about that. So where does it end? At what point in time do you say ‘I have got enough. I can now live comfortably, spend time with my family, or pursue the hobby I always wanted to do’?

Are we always going to be striving to earn more? What happens when you have a million dollars? You move up in class, start rubbing shoulders with people of the same class. You have to have that expensive house, the top-of-the line car, those expensive holidays. This means you have to earn even more. As you earn more, your toys just become more expensive; your friends become snobbier, you have to keep a constant image up.

So at what point do you have what all of us penniless people here dream about? There is always something more to have, always more money to be made. I guess we all remember the words of our iconic hero, St. John Lennon; ‘Money can’t buy me love’. True, but neither can poverty. I guess my point is that we need money, or quite frankly, we need to provide a means to live. But at what point does it cease to become earning simply to exist, and becomes earning simply to have. If we really thought about it, what is it that we are so desperate to have? It depends on the society and age you live in. Right now I’m dreaming of a red hot Ferrari. (Not that I know how to drive, but I think I’d look terribly good standing next to it; holding the keys). Put me back two to three hundred years. I’d be dreaming of a fine white stallion. (Again, to stand next to, horses are really uncomfortable to ride). Or maybe if I was a POW, my great desire would be for a hot shower or a nice meal.

Do you get what I’m trying to say? Let me put it in better terms; cell-phones. Ten years ago, the phones had one simple feature; they could make phone calls. And yet there were the better models. Somehow there is always the better model. Maybe it was slimmer, or smaller, or looked cooler. At either rate, the phone that all the big important people had, or everyone else craved; is now worth next to nothing. If someone were caught walking with one of those phones now they would be laughed at till infinity. What is the difference between a big-shot ten years ago, and well, me? (I am used to the mocking laughter by now). Ten years ago, I would be envied. Nowadays, I get all the elbow room I want on the subway as soon as I pull out old faithful.

Alright, it’s all well and good to point at the rich people and say ‘they are so unhappy’, when we all know we want to be ‘unhappy’. It’s easy to talk about how charitable you are until there is a stack of greenbacks in your face, and, oh; don’t you just love the smell? It’s so easy to say how we are all just being influenced by the media as to what to buy, and what looks cool; but at the same time we will buy that phone when we can afford it, we will buy that car, we will accept that job; because all of us are too scared to try and imagine what life would be like where you were the word on what is cool; where you said what was ‘in’, where you bought what you wanted because you needed it to enhance your life. But all we can do is dream; and write about it in a blog no one reads...

Enough Said.

Sith Happens? Part I

As I'm writing this post, my wakeup alarm went off. No, I didn't get up early. I have been up all night talking to a very dear friend. It’s funny how time flies.

My topic for today is life. More specifically, the stuff that happens. Here you can replace 'stuff' with your favourite four letter expletive. Why does (as Yoda would say) sith happen? I'm not talking about the unanswerable question of human suffering; I am merely talking about the day to day crap we face in our lives.

What is the deal with toiling through a day endlessly only to try and earn more money to do what? The entire modus operandi of the current way of living, is working as hard as possible, doing things as quickly as possible; everything instant, everything on the internet; everything connected to each other. I am not some old grandfather croaking how the world was a better place in my day. In fact it wasn’t. Some of the world’s worst crimes against humanity were perpetuated during those ‘good ol days’, and I don’t know if it was any better back then.

But has anyone, at any point in time, just lived through live, comfortably; doing what they want, loving their work, not caring about what the rest of the world thinks? I’m sure there must be some. I’m not talking about the hippies or the radicals or anything like that. I just think that life is becoming too focused on making more money. Not just making money. But making more! I wonder if I will be like that, only able to enjoy maybe 2-3 hours a day in the evening whilst struggling through a job I hate because the job I want to do doesn’t pay enough? And always gunning for the better position, at cost to friends, family , co-workers.

Right now I don’t have a steady paying job. I am doing an online writing job where I get paid per word. I’m still in the beginning stages, and I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. I guess that’s my biggest problem with life right now. It’s the same with many of my friends, who are trying to get settled into life, get into college, start a career (without a degree), open a business. And we all have the same problem; how do we make money without letting money make us?

I guess my current goal in life is to find out what I love to do, and how to make a living off of it. I think too many people go into that aspect of their lives and say ‘Ah, I could do this, it looks pretty simple, I have a knack for this area, and the pay is good.’ And they think that is enough. I don’t know, is it? Shouldn’t the question be ‘I love to do this, how can I make money off it’? Eg, ‘ I just love shopping, and clothes, but I don’t have the figure or aspiration to be a model’ What can I do with this, instead of pursuing a Business degree, how about fashion design. Or, ‘I love to play video games. I love to use computers. Why don’t I become a 3d designer for VGames, instead of going learning computer programming’???

Right now, I know what I love to do, and that is write. I hope to be able to go to college next year and study literature and journalism. What’s wrong with someone doing something they love? I guess I need to finish the rest of this tomorrow; stay tuned for part two....The Love of Money..

Enough said...for now