Can't Live With 'Em

...and can't live without them. Sad, indeed. I can't seem to make up my mind; I am a mass of contradictions that only make sense if you look at me from the most impossible angles a feat which only the Almighty can achieve. Sometimes I wonder if I have a duel personality, sometimes I think I am going crazy. I often wondered what'd be like to go mad, sometimes I wonder if I am there already.

But, to the topic at hand; women. They are what make the world go round, and at the same time one of them can stop it turning, just like that. She can place one simple look at you and that will be it; there is no more gravity, motion or time, and the rules are broken. Maybe that's why the call it 'falling'. Sadly enough, when you fall, you land hard. You fall broken and bruised, stunned and incapacitated, and suddenly you are in the hands of someone far more powerful than you. Someone who holds a grip over your heart like no one can, someone who can crush it harder than anyone, someone who will...

Maybe I'm lucky that I am so unlucky, where they are concerned. It's not like I am overly shy, extremely ugly (more like just ugly) or even really detestable. Sure, I am all of those things to a degree, but you'd think I had the plague. I've come to the point which very few men will ever reach in their testosterone filled dreams. And that is that there are some things which are simply out of reach. Some dreams will never be fulfilled, while the ones that do will be nothing but hollow accomplishments; a shiny medal in an empty room. At last I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the man that every guy wants to be, in fact I am on the other side of the spectrum, about 3 billion men behind Johnny Depp, standing at the end of the line. I really should put myself on display, for I am a wonder to behold.

Maybe I can disprove evolution, look at me and you will be convinced that the human race is indeed getting less fit, and less likely to procreate. I hope to God there are not more like me out there, otherwise the human race stands a nasty chance. My only wish is that I can deal with the nagging thoughts in my head which tell me that I don't want to die alone...

A Shining Light...

Its difficult for me to write today. I know my last few posts have been somewhat emo, and I do apologize. This is, well just a bad day, and it has been for 3 years now. I guess a part of me never really got a chance to say goodbye, and I can't simply forget. I lost my hero today, 3 years ago. I lost a friend, today. He was the kindest, strongest, smartest man I ever knew. He was my father, and still is. I know he is up There watching me, but so many times I wish I could be like other teens, and have a father to rebel against, a guy who will always give you the best advice, a role model to always look up to.

Normalcy is a status I aspire to, but I think it is too late; blessedly so. I just hope everything turns out alright, hope that my life can get a gleam of purpose, I hope I can go to college. Hope is important, we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope...we with patience wait for it...(Romans 8 KJV) I came across that today, and I just feel it sums up my life, with patience hoping for things to turn around a little. They have to, and I know they are. And suddenly I am filled with hope, cause something inside me knows that everything is going to be alright...

And I'm smiling, if barely so, its a smile and it counts. I see the cloudy sky and I feel the rain drenching me; but there is a sun shining somewhere and I am going to wait for it, because at the end of every tunnel there is a light; even if its only God calling you home.