Sunday, February 18, 2018

Would You Adore Me?



Is it ok?

If out of the teeming void of unloved and unloving...

Can I just ask for one

One of 7 billion

To think that I'm the best?



I don't need to be number 1 anymore.

This world has too many competing for the title

And none worried about those unloved.

But can you be my hero, my cheerleader, my guide?

And can you...

Withstand all logic and defy all sense

Obstruct the obvious conclusion

That they all have

And still think I'm the best?



Don't roll out a blood-red carpet

Leave the cheering fans in my head where they exist

Don't stop the clocks, leave the kettle on.

Let me be alone in my obscurity.

But can you be alone with me?

And still think I'm the best?



How did I end up here?

How did I get so lost?

Can you even find me?

Why can't I feel you?

When you are all around me?

Why can't I see you?

When you sing a lullaby to calm me to sleep

Every night

That I am without you.



Can you not see me for the wreck they see me as

Can I beg for a sympathetic saviour

Can't I use my one wish

To ask for just one



You don't need to say it,

I don't need to hear it.

It can be our little secret.

That somewhere deep inside

Only one soul needs to think it



And one day I will find you

And for a reason which I will never know

You will put my aching heart to rest

And somehow think I'm the best.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Swear to Me

Laughing, looking, living

Pressed by torment, driven by rage

All vanity for the sake it was

And for all gods, the sake was in vain

Reaching up to heights further than demons can travel

Swimming in seas fit for no fossil

If you looked behind the veil

Would you see only disappointment?

Would you?

Swear to me?


After travelling roads forged by drunken thieves

Leaping, tripping, falling

If only to get back up again

To say I'm lost would be pointless

For in order to be lost you have to be heading somewhere

But I can hear your voice

Comforting, calling, caring

And it's all I can do to push it away

And ask you to swear to me


If angels could dance,

Do you think you could follow?

Don't you know I have seen you

Whilst you hide from sight

I know you know

You are all around me

So why won't you swear to me


Give me something to cling to

For abstract thought cannot produce specificity

Neither can reasoned hope star in a dream

You are all I have

Although had I everything

I would wish it away to have only you

A word

A curse

A promise

For me, for her, for they

After all has passed,

And we are past it all

Would you set me free

Will you let it all go

And swear to me.






Saturday, January 13, 2018

If You Could Read My Mind

If I told you,

Would you cry with me?

If I told you, would you make sense out of madness?

Would you hold me, while I cling to nothing?

Would you care if I told you I couldn't anymore?

Would you pull me out of the depths of despair only to find a dream so precious it had never been dreamed before?

Is it ok for me to be alone?

Have I ever been without you though?

I can't remember what I fear most, losing you or loving myself.

I can't tell you how cold I was, trapped in a cave of my own creation.

I can't tell you how lonely it could be when you are surrounded by people.

For whence it was dark, there is now a foggy mist, from which the faintest speck of light can be seen.

But maybe that's all I ever needed.

The trick is that I can't even say what's wrong.

All I know is that something is missing.

Something is not quite right with the world,

And I suppose it's always been between you and I to fix up the mess

That God knows who started.

Is there brilliance without you?

I wouldn't know, because I can't see one without the other.

Can there be regret if there is nothing to appreciate in the first place.

Save that it was just you and I.

Can I get a reaction without an action to necessitate it?

Can I get a favor without a promise to return it?

Mother, I have answered what you called me out on.

You asked a small child to define why gods and kings ruled while others suffered

And all I could do was to find the beauty in the pain.

And draw a heartbreaking tear to trickle down the face of the proudest man

As he contemplates what it is to be just human.

And in the humanity, he finds himself.

Scarred, scared and sacred.

All he ever needed.





Sunday, July 23, 2017

What was this world always coming to?

Firstly I'd just like to say how distressed and upset I am over the recent terror attacks in Manchester. And so, I do what I always do when something affects me, I write about it. Most people actually get up and do something, but I always preferred to think of myself as the person who inspires rather than achieves. This could also be loosely translated as lazy, but I like to find a more creative way of thinking about it.

Anyways.

Kids.

Are you kidding me?

I can't say I understand violence. I would never hurt a fly. Mostly because the fly would probably win but that's neither here nor there. But violence against kids? Surely this is a new low for us as a species.

Here's the problem with violence. The very act is triggered by evolutionary responses to outside threats and disturbances. I get that, we had to survive during the early stages of humanity and we could clearly never get along. You engage with someone to neutralize or combat a threat. Problem is, whether the threat is real or not, you have still picked a way of dealing with the situation which will only make matters worse. The funny thing in movies is how often the hero wins simply by putting a bullet into the bad guy's skull, never taking into account the friends and family Mr Bad Guy had who will now be seeking revenge. And this cycle of revenge just continues.

Here's something else which no one else really thinks about. When you attack a species, you bring out the strongest in them. You unite them and give them something to live and die for. This is the exact opposite of what you would want when trying to subdue a nation/race/group and ensures that your goal becomes impossible. So will invading other countries and killing more people actually help make your own country safer or will it do the exact opposite?

The thing that really gets me is that those who refrain from violence and aggression are perceived as weak. What some don't understand that it actually takes a much more different type of strength to be able to resist those evolutionary impulses and rise above what makes you human. Because the most beautiful thing about being human is the fact that we are the only species with the ability to choose to override their very nature. And to forgive someone that has caused you pain takes a strength that is simply not natural and it is a mystery as to how it comes about in the first place.

Now to those who act in violence in the name of a God. I'm not religious, but I'm pretty sure that if I was a God and created every single human, I'd be pissed off with anyone running around killing people in my name. He's a damned God, for Christ's sake. He can do his own bloody killing if he wants it. Mic drop.

What about those who confuse extremists with religious people? It would be like sifting through a barrel of nails, finding a bent one, and even though the bent nail is completely out of character with the rest of the barrel, deciding that all the other nails must be bad too. And with any race, group or society, you'll find a few good, a few bad and a few messed up beyond hope. And that's because we are all human, yet the classifications (race, religion, creed) that we cling to in our struggle to find identity don't define us as individuals or a species. What really defines us are the choices we make. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you will never know more than what you see on the surface if that's the only place you'll look. To be more blunt, do you want to characterize the undesirable traits of an individual as based on the surface classifications that you can observe, such as race, religion or creed...or maybe see that the individual is simply afflicted by the human condition in a way that you will never understand?

Maybe all it takes to save the human race from imploding on itself is for someone to put their hand up and take responsibility. To ask for forgiveness. And to forgive. To be the better person.

Now could somebody else please do this.

I am far too lazy.

I hope you've been inspired.



Sunday, February 12, 2017

For My Benz

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know why you're upset.

But if you are, count me in.

If you are, tell me, and I will try and help.

I wish I could do more than try,

I wish I could fix these things.

And you have no idea what it's like to sit helplessly while someone else suffers.

Or maybe you do.

I wish I could stomp on the face of the person who hurt you.

I wish I could hug you and make everything better.

But I am cursed to a single form, understanding less of the world I thought I had figured out.

All I can do is rage at the rain until it stops.

Scream at the ceiling till it collapses.

And laugh at the stars until they stop shining.

If I had a wing, I would stretch it over you, shield you from the worst

If I could take your pain and make it my own, I would.

For you.

To me, no problem is too petty, which makes it even harder when it's not.

A quarter century isn't enough to comprehend what you are facing.

And if the collective consciousness of all loved, lived and dead has not figured out how to make it stop, what can I do?

But I am here.

There.

Somewhere.

And sometimes, when you're feeling low, remember that I care.

If it all becomes black and you can't find your way, you know where to find me.

I can't say I'm qualified to help, just qualified to care.

And maybe that's enough.

I know what it's like to struggle, but that doesn't mean I can tell you what to do.

Life is about the individual, and each journey is unique.

But we never are truly alone. At least, not for those of us who have someone.

Which is why all I can do is remind you that there's someone who cares.

It might not be a man in the sky, but a nerdy kid with a laptop.

And if that makes you feel better maybe I am worth something to this planet.

Maybe we are not alone.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Tell me.

As you sit there in the corner.

Was it really worth it?

Tell me.

As you dream.

Do you still see her?

Or is there nothing there.

Tell me.

Can you even hear me?

I shout, I scream, I beg.

Watching you writhe with self-destructive glee

Only to feel the reflection of a light now faded

Tell me.

Or should I tell her?

And in the back of your mind there is a whisper of hope

The ashes remnant of what was

And in the back of your mind you always knew where to find her

Tell me.

Do you think you were left alone?

That the sparkling stars or the mysterious moon were not to guide you?

And now, my friend.

Tell me.

Who told you?



Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Why

I suppose I have questions.

About who I am, why I am here. It's not enough for me to just know that everyone has questions, that everybody is stumbling around in this pointless game with no clue as to the why and wherefore. I need to know. I need to pick myself back up again, after having fallen so low, having sailed so high. Bursting into flames from flying to close to the sun, I lift my charred wings and shake the ash and dust from whence I came, to what I shall return.

I feel hopeless and yet hopeful. I know that the sun shines for us all, yet the warming rays must be sought out. I need to accept the help I have been given and continue on my path upward, out of the dark and gloomy mire of depression which has been my state of being for too long. I need to find a way home, to light and happiness.

If happiness is simply a state of mind, what is it that is keeping me away? I have everything a boy could need, friends, family and extended support. And yet all I feel like doing is breaking down and crying. About all the past and what could have been, about what I have gone through and what I am going through. And I feel that no one knows what it's like to be me, even though people know me better than I know myself and I imagine they have a good idea of what I'm going through.

I just don't know what I need to be happy. I'm always afraid, always running.

I suppose I need to speak to someone about the crazy events that led me to this place, but who would believe me? What do you do with an impossible theory that you can't let go of? How do you deal with the fact that either you or the universe is twisted beyond belief, or that you may have figured either of them out?

I suppose I don't know what to do.

But I suppose the answers will come to me.