My letter to No One

I want to tell you somethings, a few things, a thing or two. What I was thinking about on a cold, foggy morning, the idea I had that came to me while waiting for my coffee to brew. The thoughts I had that were mine, and yours. The way I could pick up a random train of thought and send it careening your way, the weird ones, the silly thoughts, the genius ones. They were all met the same, they were loved.

Now that the turmoil and anguish is over, there remains an empty chair in my livingroom. A place on a table set for two, a dead line on the other side of the phone. And I look around me, and see new faces starting to enter, beautiful, amazing people. People I would never have known existed, ideas and clarity I could have never achieved. The joy and wonder of company, the peace of solitude, the simplicity of expression, all made possible by an empty seat.

And even though I embrace the future and am in awe of the wonder of existence now before me, there comes a time when I look at the seat and wish that it wasn't like that. Brazenly resolute and full of hope and belief like I've never possessed, I falter from time to time. And I look at the seat. Strong and impenetrable, I'm the king of my own castle, indestructible and formidable. But sometimes I still look at the seat.

Sometimes I wish things didn't end the way they did. Sometimes I wish they had never started. Sometimes I think about the future and the endless possibilities, and I look at the past like a cherished memory, and acknowledge that it is all behind me. But sometimes I wish I could pull up a chair next to where the empty one was, lean back and talk to the best friend I ever had. But I know that no good can come of that, the past and the future must be separate. I think mixing the two is the downfall of humanity, the curse of existence.

Wishing for what you had, hoping for what's gone. And letting it affect your future, refusing to let anyone else sit in that treasured space. Time is my greatest enemy, unmovable, fixed and unbreakable, as much as I wish it to be wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff I could conquer with a wooden box and a charming smile. The past, firmly fixed, unchangeable. It's refusing to accept this that is the cause of most of our grief, we want what is no longer ours, what we can no longer have. Old faces, friends, people from whom time and space no separates us. Ironically, it's a belief that the future is miserably fixed which can contribute to angst of existence.

The future is whatever I want it to be, whichever path I go down. A future with pain and consequence, joy and fun, love, laughter and hangovers. A present where I keep my eyes fixed on the future, but not too far, and not to forget that I'm alive. And finally a future with someone sitting in the chair opposite me, maybe not perfect, maybe not everything I could dream of, but something wonderful. And I don't know what that will be like, but I'm not going to limit myself, because the future is everything brilliant and unexpected.

And I'm looking forward to it.

Possibly the Last

I know I promised myself that I wouldn't post here anymore, but today has been an awful day and I feel the need to rant, and this is still the safest place to do it. Still, it is hardly safe anymore, and my thoughts and words are being suppressed as I type, I really don't have any other option. I wonder about this Blog, what it accomplished, what it did for me and the community in general. The answer is rather simple; nothing.

It did nothing but serve as a vent for the tumultuous and terrifyingly taut thoughts that transpired amongst the tangled and twisted turns and tubes that is my head. And this blog was not ever about acquiring readers (a point in which it succeeded quite well in), nor about being read, it was simply about writing to the wind. Not many people know the abandon that comes from writing your processes out carefully and then throwing them to the wind, being careful only to not sign the paper...

But alas, me and my mouth. Would have been wonderful to have kept it shut, but, no I couldn't. I knew I would regret it and so I do. And so, the pages are still unsigned, but there lurks a creature who knows, and who can read these and think of me, and that thought is terrifying in totality. Too bad, I guess. I had a rather nice run.

And so, unable to speak what I really want, I am forced to say goodbye. It's funny, but I don't remember having used the backspace key this much for a blog post EVER. Which is just confirmation that I am doing the right thing. Perhaps I will find a new haven to haunt. Or not. Either rate, this isn't the way I would have liked this to turn out, but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. Someone people would call it the agony of life. Others would call it cruel fate. Some would call it justice.

I just call it life; it's here, you might as well enjoy it.

Enough Said.....finally.

Not Much

I really need to talk to someone. But I can't. For so many reasons. I can't risk burdening anyone I love with these troubles, they are too much, too much to understand, to comprehend, let alone to bear. But I have to say something, to someone, even the dead ears of the information superhighway. Sometimes you can't find anyone who can or will listen, and it's at those times, when you are alone, and have nothing but the walls to share your pain, to listen, to hear, to comfort.

I, am, for lack of a better word; scared. Not of someone or anything, but of the future, of life, of all its worries and cares. All that is expected of me, all there is leading me astray, into a life of nothing. All I want to do is to curl up in a bundle besides my closest friend, and be protected from the evil world as she holds me in her arms and tells me that everything is going to be alright. But she is not here. Story of my life, I guess, everything I hold dear runs away from me.

I have but one Friend left. The one Person who has stayed with me for all my life, the One who promised that He would be with me till the end of the world, the One who stood by me for all these years, the One who is so far away now I can't hear Him anymore. And so, here is me, in all my mortality. Drooping, weak, nothing more than an afeared child, a pathetic existence, a nobody.

Not much at all.....

Just Random

I really wonder at what time my brain starts to function. It seems that after a day of trying to numb it with games and senseless sitcoms it spurs itself to action and propels me to work. Imagine that! I feel extremely insulted, as I did my utmost best to attempt to put it into a slothful and sleepy state, and yet my own brain is plotting against me, forcing creativity and work out of me.

Oh, the perfidious rotter, my own subconscious at war with it's host. The first thought that springs to my mind is that I my dear brain is extremely ungrateful. After all, am I not a most gracious host? Do I not require almost nothing from it, and summon it to work sporadically, with very generous lunch breaks? Do I not entertain it enough?

Yet, why this rebellious upset. What force of nature is compelling me to attempt to accomplish something at this very unholy hour. I do feel utterly hurt and betrayed by my dear brain. I suppose I am gifted to not posses a very fine specimen, otherwise I would feel that I am doing society a great injustice by not accomplishing anything. But, as the case may be, I am free of that troublesome burden of shaking the world. As such, I am fit to do as I please, but, sigh, I am being conspired against.

They say no man is safe in his own home. I no longer feel safe in mine own body. Who knows what idle acts it may spur me to attempt. Acts such as cleaning, oh, cleaning, my eternal enemy. Or other such time wasters, such as studying, researching, or, dare I say it.....working. Oh brain, thou art a fickle friend and have never been of much use to me. I half suspect that I could live a wholesome life (by current standards) without your presence. Come to think of it, there are many who have tried such a feat as complete brain-killing, either by drug abuse or willful neglect, while others were born almost completely lacking such a loathsome equipment, which, in their case, makes any attempts at destroying such a pathetic creation completely superfluous.

Need I point out that about 70% of these very singular individuals became pop stars, or was it evident to all? The other 30% went for public office.

Are you brain dead?

Enough Said

Can't Live With 'Em

...and can't live without them. Sad, indeed. I can't seem to make up my mind; I am a mass of contradictions that only make sense if you look at me from the most impossible angles a feat which only the Almighty can achieve. Sometimes I wonder if I have a duel personality, sometimes I think I am going crazy. I often wondered what'd be like to go mad, sometimes I wonder if I am there already.

But, to the topic at hand; women. They are what make the world go round, and at the same time one of them can stop it turning, just like that. She can place one simple look at you and that will be it; there is no more gravity, motion or time, and the rules are broken. Maybe that's why the call it 'falling'. Sadly enough, when you fall, you land hard. You fall broken and bruised, stunned and incapacitated, and suddenly you are in the hands of someone far more powerful than you. Someone who holds a grip over your heart like no one can, someone who can crush it harder than anyone, someone who will...

Maybe I'm lucky that I am so unlucky, where they are concerned. It's not like I am overly shy, extremely ugly (more like just ugly) or even really detestable. Sure, I am all of those things to a degree, but you'd think I had the plague. I've come to the point which very few men will ever reach in their testosterone filled dreams. And that is that there are some things which are simply out of reach. Some dreams will never be fulfilled, while the ones that do will be nothing but hollow accomplishments; a shiny medal in an empty room. At last I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the man that every guy wants to be, in fact I am on the other side of the spectrum, about 3 billion men behind Johnny Depp, standing at the end of the line. I really should put myself on display, for I am a wonder to behold.

Maybe I can disprove evolution, look at me and you will be convinced that the human race is indeed getting less fit, and less likely to procreate. I hope to God there are not more like me out there, otherwise the human race stands a nasty chance. My only wish is that I can deal with the nagging thoughts in my head which tell me that I don't want to die alone...

Ain't That A Kick In the Head?

How lucky can a fellow be, I hate her, and she hates me.

Seriously though, I think I just had one of the strangest most disturbingly rational conversations ever. Allow me to get to the point, there was a girl. It seems that at any part in any story, this line will invariably coming up, serving as the central character, antagonizing the hero till he succumbs to defeat, and holds up a white flag to admit it.

But that is more a ramble than anything, and makes little sense. I just spoke with one of the most foul creatures that have walked the planet, my ex. She stood there in all her demonic glory, with the smile of Satan upon her lips; her eyes nothing more than an endless void. To be perfectly accurate, we had an altercation which was unusual if anything, yet is not worth mentioning. Suffice it to say that it was mostly hurtful and stupid, with a dash of ‘huh’ in the middle.

And yes, these past few months have been very strange. Weird in fact. But today was everything wonderful and brilliant, I went over to her abode and talked to her. It was pleasant and peaceful, awkward yet refreshing. I pride myself in having been able to look into the eyes of the woman I once cared for more than anyone else and say (contrary to what everyone else believed) that I despised her. Not simply hated with furious passion and cholera, one of my most darling friends pointed out that in her opinion such passion is akin to deeper feelings.

And so, I am able to say with confidence that I truly do not give a damn, and am most pleased with the outcome, although a little frustrated at the time which it took to arrive. This woman is decidedly strange, extremely so. It is very difficult to fight with someone who refuses to deal a single blow, and changes the rules of gameplay. Strange, confusing, and wonderfully twisted; such are women...thousands of years later and we are still befuddled, rightly so. If you try to see something from the viewpoint of a woman, give up right then and there; it is not worth the time or effort and you are about as likely to disprove gravity than understand the mind of a woman (this line being strictly for the male Llamas reading this blog).

But, everything works out ok in the end. I really wish such experiences could be avoided all together, but running away from problems does no good; cuz problems are fast runners, and they will catch up with you. I hate facing things head on, but I think I handled this one well, and ended up caring less. If there was ever a rule it is this; the person who cares less, wins. How much do you care?

Enough Said

My Funny Valentine

This is a little something I wrote on Valentines Day. It was for a competition that I never bothered to register for, so I might as well publish it on here. Tell me if you like it.:)

I thought that I would take this opportunity to write you. I just wanted to send you a Valentines Card, and tell you that I think the world of you. There is a small problem, I don’t have your address and I don’t know where to send this. ‘Cause you see, you don’t exist; yet. I don’t know how long you have been in my thoughts; haunting my dreams, refusing to let me awake back into a cold and harsh reality. I know you are out there, because I can hear you, somewhere. Maybe I am remembering the future, and the words that you say to me echo back through time into the present. The present, where the sun can shine but I don’t see daylight. Where the birds song is unheard, where there is a mist over everything and everyone, when all I can see is the ray of hope that you shine so bright that it defies the rules of time.

I guess that is what love really is, not candy, chocolates and roses. Not a 12 Carat diamond ring. Not a vacation on the moon, not the title deed to an island. Though, you know I would give you all of that, if only to see you smile. But the girl I know you are would walk with me on a cloudy day, would hold my hand when no one else could look at me, and would smile through the bitterest tears and you would tell me that this was the best day of your life. Because that is what defines love. No violins play when you’re around, the world still moves in real time, and we are both still stuck in a cruel and cold world. But somehow, it is alright. Somehow, things are better when you’re around. I hear music in your laughter; your smile makes me forget that I am on a dark and dreary planet and I forget about time and its restrictions, and I remember our future, and just how perfect it will seem, because you will be there.

I look at you all, you skeptics, you scoffers, you unworthy creatures. Skeptical of what life is really about. No mind for anything but fixed in the present, unable to break the bonds of time and travel. I can’t move through time either, except when she smiles. Her smile is what will make life beautiful, and every time she smiles, I feel it through the restricting barriers of time and space. And I know everything is going to be ok, because every time she smiles my world is shaken, I feel a rush of wind blowing through my hair and I suddenly feel grateful to be alive. And that is what keeps me going, the knowledge that someday I will see her smile, and everything will be alright.

So if you are out there, I hope you hear me. I don’t know how I can speak to you, but I will try. I know that there is a bond between us, and I will be able to see you one day, because the most violent of forces, most unreasonable of circumstances, and the cruelest spectators won’t be able to keep us away. So until then, keep smiling…because every time you smile my world turns upside down and I find myself falling for you once again.