Just Random

I really wonder at what time my brain starts to function. It seems that after a day of trying to numb it with games and senseless sitcoms it spurs itself to action and propels me to work. Imagine that! I feel extremely insulted, as I did my utmost best to attempt to put it into a slothful and sleepy state, and yet my own brain is plotting against me, forcing creativity and work out of me.

Oh, the perfidious rotter, my own subconscious at war with it's host. The first thought that springs to my mind is that I my dear brain is extremely ungrateful. After all, am I not a most gracious host? Do I not require almost nothing from it, and summon it to work sporadically, with very generous lunch breaks? Do I not entertain it enough?

Yet, why this rebellious upset. What force of nature is compelling me to attempt to accomplish something at this very unholy hour. I do feel utterly hurt and betrayed by my dear brain. I suppose I am gifted to not posses a very fine specimen, otherwise I would feel that I am doing society a great injustice by not accomplishing anything. But, as the case may be, I am free of that troublesome burden of shaking the world. As such, I am fit to do as I please, but, sigh, I am being conspired against.

They say no man is safe in his own home. I no longer feel safe in mine own body. Who knows what idle acts it may spur me to attempt. Acts such as cleaning, oh, cleaning, my eternal enemy. Or other such time wasters, such as studying, researching, or, dare I say it.....working. Oh brain, thou art a fickle friend and have never been of much use to me. I half suspect that I could live a wholesome life (by current standards) without your presence. Come to think of it, there are many who have tried such a feat as complete brain-killing, either by drug abuse or willful neglect, while others were born almost completely lacking such a loathsome equipment, which, in their case, makes any attempts at destroying such a pathetic creation completely superfluous.

Need I point out that about 70% of these very singular individuals became pop stars, or was it evident to all? The other 30% went for public office.

Are you brain dead?

Enough Said

Can't Live With 'Em

...and can't live without them. Sad, indeed. I can't seem to make up my mind; I am a mass of contradictions that only make sense if you look at me from the most impossible angles a feat which only the Almighty can achieve. Sometimes I wonder if I have a duel personality, sometimes I think I am going crazy. I often wondered what'd be like to go mad, sometimes I wonder if I am there already.

But, to the topic at hand; women. They are what make the world go round, and at the same time one of them can stop it turning, just like that. She can place one simple look at you and that will be it; there is no more gravity, motion or time, and the rules are broken. Maybe that's why the call it 'falling'. Sadly enough, when you fall, you land hard. You fall broken and bruised, stunned and incapacitated, and suddenly you are in the hands of someone far more powerful than you. Someone who holds a grip over your heart like no one can, someone who can crush it harder than anyone, someone who will...

Maybe I'm lucky that I am so unlucky, where they are concerned. It's not like I am overly shy, extremely ugly (more like just ugly) or even really detestable. Sure, I am all of those things to a degree, but you'd think I had the plague. I've come to the point which very few men will ever reach in their testosterone filled dreams. And that is that there are some things which are simply out of reach. Some dreams will never be fulfilled, while the ones that do will be nothing but hollow accomplishments; a shiny medal in an empty room. At last I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the man that every guy wants to be, in fact I am on the other side of the spectrum, about 3 billion men behind Johnny Depp, standing at the end of the line. I really should put myself on display, for I am a wonder to behold.

Maybe I can disprove evolution, look at me and you will be convinced that the human race is indeed getting less fit, and less likely to procreate. I hope to God there are not more like me out there, otherwise the human race stands a nasty chance. My only wish is that I can deal with the nagging thoughts in my head which tell me that I don't want to die alone...

Ain't That A Kick In the Head?

How lucky can a fellow be, I hate her, and she hates me.

Seriously though, I think I just had one of the strangest most disturbingly rational conversations ever. Allow me to get to the point, there was a girl. It seems that at any part in any story, this line will invariably coming up, serving as the central character, antagonizing the hero till he succumbs to defeat, and holds up a white flag to admit it.

But that is more a ramble than anything, and makes little sense. I just spoke with one of the most foul creatures that have walked the planet, my ex. She stood there in all her demonic glory, with the smile of Satan upon her lips; her eyes nothing more than an endless void. To be perfectly accurate, we had an altercation which was unusual if anything, yet is not worth mentioning. Suffice it to say that it was mostly hurtful and stupid, with a dash of ‘huh’ in the middle.

And yes, these past few months have been very strange. Weird in fact. But today was everything wonderful and brilliant, I went over to her abode and talked to her. It was pleasant and peaceful, awkward yet refreshing. I pride myself in having been able to look into the eyes of the woman I once cared for more than anyone else and say (contrary to what everyone else believed) that I despised her. Not simply hated with furious passion and cholera, one of my most darling friends pointed out that in her opinion such passion is akin to deeper feelings.

And so, I am able to say with confidence that I truly do not give a damn, and am most pleased with the outcome, although a little frustrated at the time which it took to arrive. This woman is decidedly strange, extremely so. It is very difficult to fight with someone who refuses to deal a single blow, and changes the rules of gameplay. Strange, confusing, and wonderfully twisted; such are women...thousands of years later and we are still befuddled, rightly so. If you try to see something from the viewpoint of a woman, give up right then and there; it is not worth the time or effort and you are about as likely to disprove gravity than understand the mind of a woman (this line being strictly for the male Llamas reading this blog).

But, everything works out ok in the end. I really wish such experiences could be avoided all together, but running away from problems does no good; cuz problems are fast runners, and they will catch up with you. I hate facing things head on, but I think I handled this one well, and ended up caring less. If there was ever a rule it is this; the person who cares less, wins. How much do you care?

Enough Said

My Funny Valentine

This is a little something I wrote on Valentines Day. It was for a competition that I never bothered to register for, so I might as well publish it on here. Tell me if you like it.:)

I thought that I would take this opportunity to write you. I just wanted to send you a Valentines Card, and tell you that I think the world of you. There is a small problem, I don’t have your address and I don’t know where to send this. ‘Cause you see, you don’t exist; yet. I don’t know how long you have been in my thoughts; haunting my dreams, refusing to let me awake back into a cold and harsh reality. I know you are out there, because I can hear you, somewhere. Maybe I am remembering the future, and the words that you say to me echo back through time into the present. The present, where the sun can shine but I don’t see daylight. Where the birds song is unheard, where there is a mist over everything and everyone, when all I can see is the ray of hope that you shine so bright that it defies the rules of time.

I guess that is what love really is, not candy, chocolates and roses. Not a 12 Carat diamond ring. Not a vacation on the moon, not the title deed to an island. Though, you know I would give you all of that, if only to see you smile. But the girl I know you are would walk with me on a cloudy day, would hold my hand when no one else could look at me, and would smile through the bitterest tears and you would tell me that this was the best day of your life. Because that is what defines love. No violins play when you’re around, the world still moves in real time, and we are both still stuck in a cruel and cold world. But somehow, it is alright. Somehow, things are better when you’re around. I hear music in your laughter; your smile makes me forget that I am on a dark and dreary planet and I forget about time and its restrictions, and I remember our future, and just how perfect it will seem, because you will be there.

I look at you all, you skeptics, you scoffers, you unworthy creatures. Skeptical of what life is really about. No mind for anything but fixed in the present, unable to break the bonds of time and travel. I can’t move through time either, except when she smiles. Her smile is what will make life beautiful, and every time she smiles, I feel it through the restricting barriers of time and space. And I know everything is going to be ok, because every time she smiles my world is shaken, I feel a rush of wind blowing through my hair and I suddenly feel grateful to be alive. And that is what keeps me going, the knowledge that someday I will see her smile, and everything will be alright.

So if you are out there, I hope you hear me. I don’t know how I can speak to you, but I will try. I know that there is a bond between us, and I will be able to see you one day, because the most violent of forces, most unreasonable of circumstances, and the cruelest spectators won’t be able to keep us away. So until then, keep smiling…because every time you smile my world turns upside down and I find myself falling for you once again.

Still Smiling

You never really know what it is like to smile until you try it while in the thresholds of your greatest heartbreak. Sometimes you gotta wonder what it is that is keeping everything going, when their is nothing to hold it together, and its all you can do to keep from climbing up the curtains and screaming like a possessed maniac. (Lady Gaga instantly springs to mind). I haven't been having the greatest of times myself, in fact I am one more depressed post away from turning into a pop star, or worse, one of the millions of starved, depressed psychos who make such acts as the one aforementioned loved and appreciated.

You can read the minds of thousands by taking a quick glance at their pop acts, the movies, the music, and the tv shows. You see what is hungered after, the movies offering the second life that so many crave, while the music on one hand mirrors the crazy party animal spirit that everyone is trying to imbibe of, and on the other hand reflects the anguished heartbreak of the world. Long gone are the hippy days when people would be lost in Strawberry Fields with Lucy in the Sky, long gone are the days where love was simple; she would love you, and you knew that couldn't be bad.

Now everything is a mix of 'live life like lunacy' while at the same time crying and whining about one of their one night stands who couldn't quite literally give them the time of day. Refuse and waste, such is the production standards which the music of today aspires to, and more often than not failing to reach such a despicably low point. Fed up of it all, fed up of the whiny ludicrous wimps who won't wake up to the fact that life, liberty and love are amongst them. Fed up of those who can't see the beauty in front of them. Fed up that I am now one of these worthless individuals who can't see past their pain for the beauty that it is. I have nothing, and yet I have everything; because he who can't see all he has has nothing.

And I don't know how I can pull myself out of this mess, but I will find a way. I will see the sky again, I will feel it all...soon. Its right there, around the dark bend in the road, I will see the sunlight...and everything will be alright.

A Shining Light...

Its difficult for me to write today. I know my last few posts have been somewhat emo, and I do apologize. This is, well just a bad day, and it has been for 3 years now. I guess a part of me never really got a chance to say goodbye, and I can't simply forget. I lost my hero today, 3 years ago. I lost a friend, today. He was the kindest, strongest, smartest man I ever knew. He was my father, and still is. I know he is up There watching me, but so many times I wish I could be like other teens, and have a father to rebel against, a guy who will always give you the best advice, a role model to always look up to.

Normalcy is a status I aspire to, but I think it is too late; blessedly so. I just hope everything turns out alright, hope that my life can get a gleam of purpose, I hope I can go to college. Hope is important, we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope...we with patience wait for it...(Romans 8 KJV) I came across that today, and I just feel it sums up my life, with patience hoping for things to turn around a little. They have to, and I know they are. And suddenly I am filled with hope, cause something inside me knows that everything is going to be alright...

And I'm smiling, if barely so, its a smile and it counts. I see the cloudy sky and I feel the rain drenching me; but there is a sun shining somewhere and I am going to wait for it, because at the end of every tunnel there is a light; even if its only God calling you home.

Just A Lottery Game?

I have started to realize that my posts are becoming just as infrequent as the How I Met Your Mother episodes, and sadly...just as lousy. I do apologize to all my loyal, faithful and sadly non-existent fans. You see, I have a goal, a place I want to be, something I want to do.

And I am no where I thought I would be, by now. In fact I do believe I am going backwards. Interesting aint it? There are so many questions I have right now, about where I am and what the hell I am doing. So many things I want to do. Like, I want to write a book. Not an e-book, those never sell, and if they are any good they are pirated right away. I want to write an actual book that is printed with technology slightly younger than the Gutenberg. I have even started said book.

But this is the point that really bugs me. I don't know how many people have asked this question, although I am sure they have. There seems to be some kind of fear preventing people from considering this possibility because the ramifications are nasty and crushing. Here it is, without further buildup...

I haven't tried to put this to words before, so do bear with me. You know how you see the successful people, could be in any field...like Steve Tyler, Paul McCartney, Al Pacino, Bill Gates, Obama, or the kid everyone is talking about; Mark Zuckerburg. These guys are huge, everyone knows them.

But what if, there were a hundred Bill Gates, all of whom tried and failed. What if the only difference was just pure luck? Sure, Bill will say that he had determination, know how and a special feeling. The same way the guy at the end of the race will say 'I knew I was going to win'. My point is, we all listen to the winners. We all listen to what they say and believe that if we are determined, ingenious and do not give up on our dreams, then we will become successful. So I guess my question is, was the only difference between these winners and losers simple luck?

Look at the acting industry. There are hundreds of thousands of actors just waiting for their 'big break'. Looking at the music industry, what with the acts going on now, it seems to be more like picking random straws out of a hat and announcing 'you are going to be the next star', and suddenly little Justin Biebers are crawling like maggots everywhere. Talent? Skill? Fate? No, pure and simple luck.

I guess we have that thing that we want to do, and we believe it can be done. But what I don't know is, how many people have tried so hard to write that book, record that song, start that business and failed all because the stars just weren't aligned yet. I am not really a superstitious person, and I don't really believe in 'good' luck. I think chance is a better word for it. I mean, I think everyone on this planet has the desire to be on the top; one of the big investors, the Nobel Laureate, the Oscar winner... And with so many trying, it seems ridiculous to think that anyone could ever achieve this, with the people who do simply being the lottery winners, the ones we all want to be when all we are missing is a few numbers.

But I shall try. Because I am damned curious. It is like when you are playing a hand of poker, and everyone has folded but for you and one other guy. And he will raise and raise, and you will have nothing, but the only thing that keeps calling despite every fiber in your bones screaming out to stop, you will keep calling, out of damned curiosity. I am going to try. I am going to find a way, because I feel that I have a lot to give the world...we all do. And you can't blame the guy who tried, at least I will know that it was not meant to be, I will never have that thought burning in my brain...'what if'.

What if I tried?

Hardly Enough Said