My Funny Valentine

This is a little something I wrote on Valentines Day. It was for a competition that I never bothered to register for, so I might as well publish it on here. Tell me if you like it.:)

I thought that I would take this opportunity to write you. I just wanted to send you a Valentines Card, and tell you that I think the world of you. There is a small problem, I don’t have your address and I don’t know where to send this. ‘Cause you see, you don’t exist; yet. I don’t know how long you have been in my thoughts; haunting my dreams, refusing to let me awake back into a cold and harsh reality. I know you are out there, because I can hear you, somewhere. Maybe I am remembering the future, and the words that you say to me echo back through time into the present. The present, where the sun can shine but I don’t see daylight. Where the birds song is unheard, where there is a mist over everything and everyone, when all I can see is the ray of hope that you shine so bright that it defies the rules of time.

I guess that is what love really is, not candy, chocolates and roses. Not a 12 Carat diamond ring. Not a vacation on the moon, not the title deed to an island. Though, you know I would give you all of that, if only to see you smile. But the girl I know you are would walk with me on a cloudy day, would hold my hand when no one else could look at me, and would smile through the bitterest tears and you would tell me that this was the best day of your life. Because that is what defines love. No violins play when you’re around, the world still moves in real time, and we are both still stuck in a cruel and cold world. But somehow, it is alright. Somehow, things are better when you’re around. I hear music in your laughter; your smile makes me forget that I am on a dark and dreary planet and I forget about time and its restrictions, and I remember our future, and just how perfect it will seem, because you will be there.

I look at you all, you skeptics, you scoffers, you unworthy creatures. Skeptical of what life is really about. No mind for anything but fixed in the present, unable to break the bonds of time and travel. I can’t move through time either, except when she smiles. Her smile is what will make life beautiful, and every time she smiles, I feel it through the restricting barriers of time and space. And I know everything is going to be ok, because every time she smiles my world is shaken, I feel a rush of wind blowing through my hair and I suddenly feel grateful to be alive. And that is what keeps me going, the knowledge that someday I will see her smile, and everything will be alright.

So if you are out there, I hope you hear me. I don’t know how I can speak to you, but I will try. I know that there is a bond between us, and I will be able to see you one day, because the most violent of forces, most unreasonable of circumstances, and the cruelest spectators won’t be able to keep us away. So until then, keep smiling…because every time you smile my world turns upside down and I find myself falling for you once again.

Still Smiling

You never really know what it is like to smile until you try it while in the thresholds of your greatest heartbreak. Sometimes you gotta wonder what it is that is keeping everything going, when their is nothing to hold it together, and its all you can do to keep from climbing up the curtains and screaming like a possessed maniac. (Lady Gaga instantly springs to mind). I haven't been having the greatest of times myself, in fact I am one more depressed post away from turning into a pop star, or worse, one of the millions of starved, depressed psychos who make such acts as the one aforementioned loved and appreciated.

You can read the minds of thousands by taking a quick glance at their pop acts, the movies, the music, and the tv shows. You see what is hungered after, the movies offering the second life that so many crave, while the music on one hand mirrors the crazy party animal spirit that everyone is trying to imbibe of, and on the other hand reflects the anguished heartbreak of the world. Long gone are the hippy days when people would be lost in Strawberry Fields with Lucy in the Sky, long gone are the days where love was simple; she would love you, and you knew that couldn't be bad.

Now everything is a mix of 'live life like lunacy' while at the same time crying and whining about one of their one night stands who couldn't quite literally give them the time of day. Refuse and waste, such is the production standards which the music of today aspires to, and more often than not failing to reach such a despicably low point. Fed up of it all, fed up of the whiny ludicrous wimps who won't wake up to the fact that life, liberty and love are amongst them. Fed up of those who can't see the beauty in front of them. Fed up that I am now one of these worthless individuals who can't see past their pain for the beauty that it is. I have nothing, and yet I have everything; because he who can't see all he has has nothing.

And I don't know how I can pull myself out of this mess, but I will find a way. I will see the sky again, I will feel it all...soon. Its right there, around the dark bend in the road, I will see the sunlight...and everything will be alright.

A Shining Light...

Its difficult for me to write today. I know my last few posts have been somewhat emo, and I do apologize. This is, well just a bad day, and it has been for 3 years now. I guess a part of me never really got a chance to say goodbye, and I can't simply forget. I lost my hero today, 3 years ago. I lost a friend, today. He was the kindest, strongest, smartest man I ever knew. He was my father, and still is. I know he is up There watching me, but so many times I wish I could be like other teens, and have a father to rebel against, a guy who will always give you the best advice, a role model to always look up to.

Normalcy is a status I aspire to, but I think it is too late; blessedly so. I just hope everything turns out alright, hope that my life can get a gleam of purpose, I hope I can go to college. Hope is important, we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope...we with patience wait for it...(Romans 8 KJV) I came across that today, and I just feel it sums up my life, with patience hoping for things to turn around a little. They have to, and I know they are. And suddenly I am filled with hope, cause something inside me knows that everything is going to be alright...

And I'm smiling, if barely so, its a smile and it counts. I see the cloudy sky and I feel the rain drenching me; but there is a sun shining somewhere and I am going to wait for it, because at the end of every tunnel there is a light; even if its only God calling you home.

Just A Lottery Game?

I have started to realize that my posts are becoming just as infrequent as the How I Met Your Mother episodes, and sadly...just as lousy. I do apologize to all my loyal, faithful and sadly non-existent fans. You see, I have a goal, a place I want to be, something I want to do.

And I am no where I thought I would be, by now. In fact I do believe I am going backwards. Interesting aint it? There are so many questions I have right now, about where I am and what the hell I am doing. So many things I want to do. Like, I want to write a book. Not an e-book, those never sell, and if they are any good they are pirated right away. I want to write an actual book that is printed with technology slightly younger than the Gutenberg. I have even started said book.

But this is the point that really bugs me. I don't know how many people have asked this question, although I am sure they have. There seems to be some kind of fear preventing people from considering this possibility because the ramifications are nasty and crushing. Here it is, without further buildup...

I haven't tried to put this to words before, so do bear with me. You know how you see the successful people, could be in any field...like Steve Tyler, Paul McCartney, Al Pacino, Bill Gates, Obama, or the kid everyone is talking about; Mark Zuckerburg. These guys are huge, everyone knows them.

But what if, there were a hundred Bill Gates, all of whom tried and failed. What if the only difference was just pure luck? Sure, Bill will say that he had determination, know how and a special feeling. The same way the guy at the end of the race will say 'I knew I was going to win'. My point is, we all listen to the winners. We all listen to what they say and believe that if we are determined, ingenious and do not give up on our dreams, then we will become successful. So I guess my question is, was the only difference between these winners and losers simple luck?

Look at the acting industry. There are hundreds of thousands of actors just waiting for their 'big break'. Looking at the music industry, what with the acts going on now, it seems to be more like picking random straws out of a hat and announcing 'you are going to be the next star', and suddenly little Justin Biebers are crawling like maggots everywhere. Talent? Skill? Fate? No, pure and simple luck.

I guess we have that thing that we want to do, and we believe it can be done. But what I don't know is, how many people have tried so hard to write that book, record that song, start that business and failed all because the stars just weren't aligned yet. I am not really a superstitious person, and I don't really believe in 'good' luck. I think chance is a better word for it. I mean, I think everyone on this planet has the desire to be on the top; one of the big investors, the Nobel Laureate, the Oscar winner... And with so many trying, it seems ridiculous to think that anyone could ever achieve this, with the people who do simply being the lottery winners, the ones we all want to be when all we are missing is a few numbers.

But I shall try. Because I am damned curious. It is like when you are playing a hand of poker, and everyone has folded but for you and one other guy. And he will raise and raise, and you will have nothing, but the only thing that keeps calling despite every fiber in your bones screaming out to stop, you will keep calling, out of damned curiosity. I am going to try. I am going to find a way, because I feel that I have a lot to give the world...we all do. And you can't blame the guy who tried, at least I will know that it was not meant to be, I will never have that thought burning in my brain...'what if'.

What if I tried?

Hardly Enough Said

Loneliness, or Solitude?

I just read a post by a very talented author; http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-lonely-being-writer.html in which she asks a question on whether writers get lonely, or separated from their offline social circle. I may be missing the point of her question entirely, but in my opinion, half the reason I became a writer is so that I don't have to show my face to people.

I think I have redefined the term stay-at-home. I hate leaving my house. I hate being in large gatherings. That being said, I absolutely love my friends and occasionally will stir outside in order to see them, as they are important to me. But, over the last year, I think I have understood the concept of living alone. Recently, due to a host of unforeseen circumstances, I have had to live a bit of a nomadic lifestyle; shifting between cities, staying with friends and relatives.

At times I was almost completely alone. As I write this, I am currently separated from all of my good friends and family for various reasons. And yet I don't think I have ever felt as much peace from looking up at the sky and saying 'you are all I've got', yet I was talking to no one. Like I mentioned in the comment I left on dear Rachelle's post; there is nothing more life altering than talking to a wall.

We are afraid of being alone. And sure, I have experienced the crushing loneliness of having no one around. But when there is no one else to carry you; thats when you learn to walk. To quote Axle Rose...'Everybody needs some time, on their own' (November Rain). How can you ever find out who you are unless you are alone? The reason I love being anonymous on this blog is that I can express myself outside of the circle of friends I have.

I love my friends dearly. But I feel that they have put me into something of a mold. I believe this happens to everyone who hangs around a group of people. Within time, these friends start defining your thoughts and actions. As such, this article would be a lot different if I knew that anyone I know would be reading it. Even if it was different; these people would start thinking I've gone a little crazy.

But I love being able to say; this is me. Alienated from my friends and family; I stand on my own, knowing only that this is me, and no one else. And as such, I can write with complete freedom, and utter abandonment. I think, we all need to stop being afraid of being alone, of being lonely, of having no one. Defined by no one and nothing, but what we do, and how we do it.

Enough Said

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.

By the time I publish this, about 90 per cent of the human race have already broken their New Years resolution. The other ten percent will take more time, as vows to visit a strange or exotic island, or to wear overalls only twice a month are more complex and take time for people to realize that their new efforts are in vain.

At either rate we are bold and powerful, and everything superhuman, until we wake up. Its rather shocking to realize just how little control one can have over their life. Most people will never admit that they are not totally in control. But no, in reality, we are weak, childish, obsessive; gazing eternally at the shiny apple, which must be good to eat, of course it would be.

Eternally hoping for something better to happen, always wishing for a life that is not theirs, never pausing to wonder if maybe, just maybe...the life you live is perfect for none other than the one cursed with it. And thats the beauty of it....

So, here is to a new year, filled with crazy things, hopes and wishes and promises, waiting to be broken. Here is to a life that is everything you don't want it to be, here is to all who suffer, here is to those who may not see another year turn. Here is to you all...

Enough Said

What the hell?

What is going on right now? I do not know. Have you ever felt like all you could say was just !!! This makes life all the more complex for the single reason that the question will inexorably come up; How on earth do you say '!'. How do you cope with that low feeling where nothing has really gone wrong, but neither has anything gone right; and you have nothing you can say, and no way to say it.

Sometimes the world just looks at you and decides to manifest goodness and grace upon your life, and just when you think it is going to get better, it turns around and slaps you in your face. I have to admit, however, that I wouldn't know what to do with a life that was only awesome and great. Thinking about it, I don't think anyone really has the capacity to deal with pure good; indeed it is the evil in life which gives a challenge; keeps us grounded, gives us focus.

But trying to define the current crap can be difficult. People spend hundreds of dollars to have professionals give them answers straight out of a textbook written by a man who more or less had serious issues with reality. People all walk around, wondering 'who am I' 'why am I', wondering where their life is going, and never having a clue of an answer. But it is all about perception. Imagine a disaster movie; one of those end-of-the world apocalyptic movies that seem to crowd up the box office like so many fleas on a dog, and just as appealing. Imagine yourself with dashing looks and as the hero of the film. Now think of the problems you are having. If you were in one of those save-the-world movies your chief problem would be keeping your hair perfectly styled. Problem No.2 is saving the world.

Now against this backdrop, your current problems do not seem so very big. In fact they seem minuscule, so pathetically small that you will almost laugh. You may even shudder with the thought of accomplishing the almost impossible task of leaping over boulders, dodging bullets, saving the woman you love, all the while keeping your hair looking perfect; and, oh yeah; saving the world.

By the way, I do apologize to my reader (I hesitate to pluralize the last word, in light of my current largest problem; finding more than one out of 7 billion people who are even slightly interested in what I have to say) for my lack of being faithful to the blogosphere, and ignoring the countless requests for an update. These requests were ignored largely due to the fact that they originated primarily from my imagination. At either rate, if you are reading this, you have serious problems and need to get your head examined. Or if you want I can just pull out the text book explanation for you 'You have serious problems with wasting time reading worthless blogs which stem from your childhood and the lack of motherly attention that you received from your father'. Trust me, this sounds very life altering coming from a bald person with a beard. If I were to explain my disaster movie theory to him, he would look at me like I was stupid.

Obviously he cannot remember just how tough it is to keep your hair looking perfect while doing incredible back flips necessary to either saving the world, or making a decent take at the box office. This is probably because he cannot do a back flip, or because he has no hair.

Enough Said